THE SCRIPT

Introducer
I open door and enter in, I beg your pardon to begin
Whether I stand, sit or fall, I'll do my duty to please you all
A room, a room, a gathering room, a room to let us bide
A room to see a pretty act upon this Christmas tide
Stir up thee fire and mek a light and see these brave boys act tonight
They've acted young, they've acted old, they've acted on the public stage
An if you don't believe a word I say, step in Bull Guy and clear the way.

Bull Guy
In comes Bull Guy, Bull Guy I am, from England I have sprung
I've travelled the nations over to find King George's son
I found him at the slaughter, I slew the King of Egypt's daughter
Where is that man?

King George's Son
In comes I King George's son, me head is made of brass, me body's made of steel
Me arms and legs are made of hard knuckle bones, no man can make me feel.

Bull Guy
Can't I mek thee feel?

King George's Son
No thou can't mek me feel

Bull Guy
Stand back, stand back thou dirty dog, I'll mek thee buttons fly
I'll fill thee belly full of bones and stones, and you shall surely die.

King George's Son
Shall I die?

Bull Guy
Yes you shall surely die

King George's Son
Shek 'ands before I die

Big fight scene and King George's son kills Bull Guy - Bull Guys Harem cry and wail

Mother
Oh George, oh George what hast thou done? Thou's killed an slain me only son
Me only son lies dying here, send for a Doctor

Doctor
In comes Doctor, a noble Doctor too

Mother
How comes thou to be a Doctor?

Doctor
By me travels

Mother
Where ave ya travelled

Doctor
Ically, Pickally, France and Spain, ovver hills and om again

Mother
Anywhere else?

Doctor
Upstairs, downstairs and in me mothers bread and cheese basket

Mother
What can tha cure?

Doctor
The itch, the stich, palsy and gout, pains within and pains without

Mother
How much to cure im for?

Doctor
Oh, five pounds but being a poor man, ten

Mother
Thall be lucky if tha gets owt, that'll do, cure im then

Naughty Nurse
Oh wait Doctor, he looks a bit like a spy, I need to test his polonium levels
(Tests his polonium for polonium)

Doctor
Here Jack, tek a drop of this nick-nack, and let it roll down your tick-tack
And rise and fight again

Mother
Ya fool, he nivver shifted

Doctor
Oh dear I've given im wrong bottle (Throws bottle to Bull Guy's harem)

Bull Guy's Harem of Belly Dancers
(Grab King George's Son)
Quick grab him girls while he is spent, and drag im off into our tent
We'll cure im of his dreadful habits (sword in groin)
And we'll make do with the rampant rabbit (produce small fluffy manic looking pink rabbitty glove puppet)

Doctor
I have another bottle in me top smock frock coat pocket

All
Hooray

Doctor
Ere Jack, tek a drop of THIS nick-nack, an let it roll down your tick-tack
And rise and fight again

Bull Guy
(Rises from the dead)
Once I was slain, now I'm alive again

All
Hooray

Doctor
Now ladies and gentlemen all around, I've cured this man both safe and sound
I've healed his wounds and cleansed his blood, and given im stuff that'll do im good
And if you don't believe a word I say, step in Beelzebub and clear the way.

Beelzebub
In comes owd Beelzebub, ovver me shoulder I carry a club
In me 'and a drippin' pan, Don't you think I'm a jolly old man?

All
No! (boos and hisses)

Beelzebub
If yow don't I do.
Plum puddings hot, plum puddings cold, plum puddings in the pot nine days old
But it's money I want and it's money I'll aye
an if ya don't gimmee that
I'll blow you all away
If you aint gotta penny, a a'penny will do
If you aint got a a'penny then God bless you

All
We've come to drink your old black beer to fill us full of Christmas cheer
We have two pints in every pub, and on a Sunday three
Copyright 1989 , Merry Christmas

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